My fellow Americans. Voting illegal aliens. Somali refugees who are being sent to the Whitest areas of this country. Israeli dual-citizens. Foreigners who made illegal contributions to my campaign. Today we have an opportunity not to waste a good crisis.
We are in a crisis of gun violence. Dangerous assault weapons with high-capacity magazines have ended up in the hands of Mexican criminals. The criminals acquired these deadly weapons legally through American gun stores. These guns have been used to murder American citizens. This proves the inherent evil of guns. We should still keep allowing in illegal Mexicans, of course. They do jobs Americans won't. It's the gun that was bad.
Let's not forget the Sullivan Central massacre where dozens of our precious children were brutally murdered in a senseless slaughter that could have been prevented if everyone was totally defenseless. Don't forget that horrific massacre at a theater in San Antonio. We have too many rights and we're dying for it. We must eliminate these rights.
Please, think of the children. Also think of this cute puppy. Every time a gun is fired a puppy dies. Please, think of the puppies.
I'm not saying I'm going to totally disarm you. We work by taking two steps forward, one back, after all. You can keep your single-shot .22 rifle to hunt birds or shoot cans or whatever you gun-owning sickos do. We just want to make sure you'd have no chance against your own government, that's all.
What I mean by that is it's silly to worry about government tyranny. You can trust us. We always have your best interests in mind. We would never hurt you. So stop being an extremist, paranoid goof. I mean, what is this, the X-Files or something? Ha. Ha. Ha. Get real.
Some have pointed out the inherent hypocrisy in the fact that I will still be protected for life by heavily armed government agents. To that I have only one thing to say...look at this puppy! You wouldn't want bad things to happen to this puppy, would you? Are you a monster or something? Of course not.
I will now use my dictatorial powers to usurp The Constitution and the inherent rights given to you by God. Pretty cool, huh? Stroke of the pen, new law. I love this whole "being the head negro" shit. And...finishing my signature...your rights, going...going...gone! There's nothing you can do about it Whitey! Well, you could organize and form your own nations, but you wouldn't try that, would you?
This is a great moment for the U.S.S.A. Today we have struck a blow against the normal White America that I have such a profound hatred for. It's the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. Based on what I don't know, just accept it. It's the right thing to do.
Obama leaves the podium to deafening applause. He begins shaking paws with the puppies.