Ready for Change, Ready to Lead

As the nation's foremost moderate political blog I have a duty to help keep the voters, especially Detroit voters, informed about the candidates participating in our Great Democratic Experiment. As a follow-up to yesterday's amazing story it's my extreme pleasure to now present a comprehensive, unbiased and thoroughly fact-checked guide to the 2017 Detroit Mayoral Election. Democracy dies in the darkness, so we must shed the glorious light of our freedoms on the diverse and highly qualified roster fighting for the right to rule over a city that should start improving itself tomorrow.

Donna Marie Pitts

Party Affiliation: Not the White Man's Bitch.

Diverse and Exotic Racial Background: "African-American."

Criminal Convictions: Receiving and concealing a stolen 1977 Oldsmobile, assault with intent to murder (two counts), firearm offenses, assault with intent for great bodily harm, operating without a license, fleeing lawful arrest, carrying an illegal concealed firearm, improper plates, etc, etc.

Excuses for Criminality: Was wronged by police and courts, didn't do [anything].

Was "racism" also an excuse?: Yes.

Qualifications: Experienced carpenter (Just like Jesus!), degree in business management from unknown college, chosen by God.

Big Plans for Detroit: Better health care, "rebuilding," doing something about all the crime (not including the ones caused by her own pathological behavior, I would assume).

Representative Quote: “There’s a lot of good officers. I just ran into a couple bad situations.”

DaNetta L. Simpson

Party Affiliation: We Dyin' Hee-ah.

Diverse and Exotic Racial Background: "African-American."

Criminal Convictions: Assault with intent to murder.

Excuses for Criminality: Wrongfully convicted of a crime she did not convict, "overcharged," witness lied.

Was "racism" also an excuse?: Yes.

Qualifications: Cosmetologist and salon owner, gave birth to four bastard children, has made failed bids for lesser offices, was imbued with a noble desire to better her city after her "interaction" with the criminal justice system.

Big Plans for Detroit: Correct everything that's currently wrong, replace it with what's right.

Representative Quote: “I was a wrongfully convicted felon, overcharged for a crime I did not commit.”

Articia Bomer

Party Affiliation: Democrat.

Diverse and Exotic Racial Background: "African-American."

Criminal Convictions:  Arrested while sitting in a car, police search found an illegal firearm.

Excuses for Criminality: Arrest was "frivolous" and wrong, the gun wasn't hers, it probably belonged to the previous owner of the car or all the other people who carry guns that have gotten into the car.

Was "racism" also an excuse?: Yes.

Qualifications: Culinary background, aspiring Whitney Houston, put out a musical CD for the campaign.

Big Plans for Detroit: Tax reform, better services for Detroit’s homeless and seniors and tougher penalties for bad landlords.

Representative Quote: “I am a law-abiding citizen.”

Curtis Christopher Greene

Party Affiliation: We Wuz Kangz.

Diverse and Exotic Racial Background: "African-American."

Criminal Convictions: Delivering and manufacturing narcotics, fleeing lawful arrest, publishing a fraudulent check.

Excuses for Criminality: Complex life in a crime-ridden area, couldn't find honest work.

Was "racism" also an excuse?: Yes.

Qualifications: Good boy turning his life around, earned a degree from an online diploma mill, author of three novels (Bitch Got a Big Ol' Azz: The Book, etc.) activist, minister, chosen by God.

Big Plans for Detroit: Giant "Mall of Michigan" that will be put "on tilt" on a daily basis until it becomes another downtown ruin, more jobs for felons, fighting "discriminatory" lending, "academic achievement."

Representative Quote: "My life, I believe it was very complex growing up.”

Be sure to get out and vote, Detroit!


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